The door swung open and in he walked with his arrogant stride. Delilah couldn’t help but sigh, ‘Anybody but him, anybody but Chris’ she thought to herself. She continued cleaning the counter top, with her head hug down hoping that she wouldn’t have to have a conversation with him. She was wrecked, the hotel had been the busiest she had ever seen it before and she wanted to do after her twelve hour shift was to go home and curl up in her warm bed.
She glanced up from behind the bar, to see what he was up to. He was at the far end of the function room collection the evidence from earlier which mainly consisted of empty pint bottles of bulmers and Smirnoff ice. It was easy to know from the remains that the room earlier hosted a twenty first party, had it been a gun club or a rugby function all that would have remained would of been Guinness glasses with a scattered few brandy glasses.
As she continued to clean down the bar, he watched her, he had watched her all night, he particularly liked to watch her unload the dishwasher where she bent over and took a firm grip of the tray, or when she had to reach up for the spirits on the top shelf, forcing her shirt up just enough that he could catch a glimpse of her jewelled belly button.
He was going to make the very best of this opportunity now, just the two of them. He strutted towards the bar, empty glasses in hand ,as she heard the clinking of the glasses getting closer she looked up. ‘Busy night’ she said, hoping that he would take it as a statement and not a conversation starter. ‘Ya it was, but I’m sure you enjoyed it, working the twenty first is just down your alley, lots of nice eye candy for you’ he smirked.
Delilah had wondered how long it would take him to get a dig at her, she didn’t respond, she just kept on cleaning. ‘I mean cradle snatching is your thing’ he continued, ‘poor Daren never stood a chance against a vixen like you, I’m sure you taught him a thing or two.’
Delilah could feel her face beginning to flush and she wasn’t sure if it was from Chris’s intrusive remarks, or just the mention of Darren’s name. Delilah the barmaid and Daren the porter had had a brief fling in the summer before Daren had returned to college. Although she was only four years his senior at the tender age of twenty five, the cradle snatching comments had always annoyed her.
Chris continued his intrusion, ‘Oh I’m sure you were his own Mrs Robinson, I never really understood a woman’s attraction to a younger man, the older ones have more experience, just like I have.’ Delilah looked up to catch his eyebrows raise up and down to emphasise the ‘more experience.’
‘Maybe the young ones are better looking and just more fun’ she snapped. Regretting her words seconds after they had left her mouth. Her tone had been sharp and that was no way to speak to a manager, even if it was only Chris, but knowing him as she did, she knew she had just given him ammo for yet another sexual advance. ‘ Oh I could show you just how much fun the older ones can be.’ he sleazed, just as Delilah had predicted. She didn’t respond trying to make herself look busy as she loaded the dishwasher.
He slid threw the open hatch, as he preferred to get a better view from behind the bar, but tried to cover up his intentions with a professional slant. ‘ Any over reg’s on the till?’ he questioned her, as he brushed up against her , she was bent over the dishwasher. ‘No’ she said flatly and she manoeuvred herself around the dishwasher away from him. She was feeling very claustrophobic now, the small space behind the bar seemed an even tighter squeeze now that he was there.
‘So’ Chris began, ‘How is Darren these days? Do you see much of him?’. ‘No’ she replied, she no more wanted to have this conversation than a cat wants a bubble bath, but he continued to pry. ‘So how long were you two going out?’. ‘We weren’t’ she snapped. ‘Oh I see, you two were just, what’s it called now, that’s it, fuck buddies’ Delilah’s stomach did a flip and she felt a sudden urge to get sick, had anyone else said that to her she would have reacted with a stern ‘Fuck Off’ but this was her boss, and he had a special way of making her feisty side hide away, she needed this job and couldn’t risk crossing any lines with him, although he constantly crossed them with her. She wondered what would happen if she accused him of sexual harassment, she always thought that sexual harassment was where the woman felt completely intimidated and victimised, to her this was more along the lines of constant sexual annoyance.
Chris picked up on the silence and moved towards her, he put his arm around her shoulder, ‘Are you ok? Is there anything I can do for you?’ She tried to slip out of his arms but he griped her tighter. ‘You know if you’re lonely and on the look out for a new fuck buddy I’m sure we could arrange something. You know hooking up with the boss could have its advantages’ as he said this his hand slid to the crest of her back and he lightly slapped her arse, then rested his had on her hip. ‘I could give you a lift home tonight, and we could see just how many advantages it would have’.
This was it, this was all Delilah could take, with focused eyes and through gritted teeth she snarled at him ‘Take your hand off me NOW!’ Chris stood back, his shocked face hosted his open mouth. Delilah’s tone dramatically changed now, like something you would hear from a Montessori teacher. ‘Now Chris’ she began, ‘do you really expect me to bring you home and as you so politely put it, start a fuck buddy relationship? Really do you? She was surprised how quickly the tables had turned, the power to silence the opposition had been placed in her hands. His silence allowed her to continue, ‘Its now 4.30a.m and I’ve worked a twelve hour shift what in gods name makes you think that the first thing on my mind right now would be sex? Seriously, do you really expect me to bring you into my bed tonight? Well do you?
Chris began to stumble over this question, ‘Well, I just though, well I just wanted to….’ Delilah cut across his mumblings ‘ Oh I know exactly what you wanted, some instant gratification.’
He had found his voice again and managed a response, ‘There’s nothing wrong with wanting a bit of fun, Jesus Delilah there’s no need to be so uptight and frigid.’
That last statement was the straw that broke the camels back, men are so pre-DICK-table, if a girl doesn’t want to sleep with a guy its because they are frigid, nothing to do with the fact that the guy in question may be a slobbering moran or a sexist prat, nope its frigidness. If there was one thing Delilah was gifted at, was her art to pick at peoples insecurities, she very seldom used this gift but this situation called for an blitz.
She now launched her attack, with a stern condescending tone,
‘Oh I can assure you I’m not frigid, there’s nothing I like more than a good hard seeing too, but as Lorrain from housekeeping told me, a hard seeing too is a bit out of your league, and as I recall she didn’t mention the word good either. Oh and Ill let you in on a little non-frigid fact about me, I like to have sex standing up, now that would pose quite a problem for you because even if you had a 4ft mickey, you still wouldn’t reach me, you little short arse, now fuck off annoying me and accept that your just not the type of guy that I would ever trim my minge for.’
She was one a roll now and it felt great, as he stood in front of her like a scolded schoolboy she unleashed more of her viper tongue.
‘As for all your derogative comments, I sick hearing then, your all mouth when I comes to women you haven’t got a clue about how to pleasure one, smutty porn is not to be taken as an instruction manual Chris, maybe its time you got rid of your stash and started to behave like a gentleman.
With that Delilah strode out from behind the bar and strutted towards the door,
‘I’m off home to bed alone now, Ill leave you here to clean up the rest of the bar, and depending on my mood tomorrow, I may or may not decide to report you for harassment, Goodnight’.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Celtic Tiger
Well with all the 'Doom & Gloom' around at the moment, I thought I would cheer myself up for Halloween. Can you guess what I was?
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Crusin in Arklow
Crusin In Arkow
Put on my peaked cap, and my tunes, got in the car.
Drove up and down Main Street pasted the midnight hour.
Father Murphy wont you look down over me,Ive got a first class Civic
And its as loud as the amp can be.......
Well I was Crusin in Arklow
I was crusin with my arm flat back to the seat,
Crusin in ArklowBut can I really see over the wheel.
Saw a nice Subaru, up on John Paul Avenue,
Asked him to drive up past the gates of Glenart,
and Ill follow for a race or two.
Now the Guards, their not gonna see ya, cause their parked up at Le Chef,
Its gonna be a pretty little race, Ill set the pace, for beating a Subaru.
Well I was Crusin in Arklow
I was crusin with my arm flat back on the seat
Crusin in Arklow
But can I really see over the wheel.
They've got lights up on the dashboard
They've got ''DUFF DUFF'' in the air
Apple Green is glad to see you, when your filling up the car
Oh you've got a loyalty card!
Now the boys they park their cars up, Every Friday at the courthouse,
I drove down to see them, And they asked me if i could
Do a little doughnut, so i drove with all my might,
They said 'Are you a Racer Girl?
And I said ' Fuck I am tonight'!!!!
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Lenor
The new fragrance of Lenor.........................
''Black Diamond and Lotus flower''
Now can anybody please tell me what exactly Diamond smells like? The first thing that comes to my mind when someone announces that they are engaged isn't
''Come here and give me a sniff of you ring''
''Black Diamond and Lotus flower''
Now can anybody please tell me what exactly Diamond smells like? The first thing that comes to my mind when someone announces that they are engaged isn't
''Come here and give me a sniff of you ring''
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Sayings
He came onto me...............................
Think about it!!
He............... CAME.......onto me!!!
Seriously people say this a lot but don't stop to think about what it means!!!
Think about it!!
He............... CAME.......onto me!!!
Seriously people say this a lot but don't stop to think about what it means!!!
Friday, July 25, 2008
More thoughts on the Dildo Joke
Further to the
Ba da dat da daaaaaaaaa.............. Im lovin it!
It brings a whole new meaning to the ''Happy Meal''
Ba da dat da daaaaaaaaa.............. Im lovin it!
It brings a whole new meaning to the ''Happy Meal''
Monday, July 14, 2008
Tesco's Finest
So, as my earlier blog states,Tesco cant ever sell Dildos because of there slogan. . . . . . ''Every Little Helps''. Cause in the case of dildos, it couldn't be further than the truth. It would however be interesting to see the difference in a Tesco Value dildo and a Tesco Finest, I know what one I'd rather fork out on.
Now, Carlsbery could, Oh they could definitely sell dildos, and Nike could '' Just do it'', Loreal is another good slogan, because I know I'm definitely worth it, but my favourite is Mc Donalds.
Ba Da da dat da. . . . . . . . . . . . . . I'm lovin it!!!
Imagine going up to the drive through,
'can I take your order?'
'' Yes, Ill have a diet coke, a happy meal and a Mc Flurry stirred with a dildo please?''
Now, Carlsbery could, Oh they could definitely sell dildos, and Nike could '' Just do it'', Loreal is another good slogan, because I know I'm definitely worth it, but my favourite is Mc Donalds.
Ba Da da dat da. . . . . . . . . . . . . . I'm lovin it!!!
Imagine going up to the drive through,
'can I take your order?'
'' Yes, Ill have a diet coke, a happy meal and a Mc Flurry stirred with a dildo please?''
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Waste of time emails
Im sure your familur with the type of e-mail im talking about, the ones that generally start with ''copy and paste the following then fill out''. The stupid e-mails that ask you completly non-sensical questions like, 'If you were a sandwich what type of sandwich would you be?'' or ''Do you fold or scrunch your toilet paper when you wipe?''. Who the fuck folds their tolilet paper?
So to prevent me wasting anymore presious moments of my life on these e-mails, I devised a little plan to ensure that nobody EVER sends me one again. Just note that I sent this to eveyone in my address book, and hit 'reply all' also. Yes I am evil and going to Hell, but I will keep you a pint warm at the bar!
1. What is your occupation? Eternal student type person! Or trainee solicitor.
Sharon we all no you dont do any work, you just sit around all day scratching your gee, hoping that the burning sensation in your pants will go away.
2. What color are your socks right now? black.... but they are pump socks so u cant see them
They are stinking socks that you havent changed in ten days. . . . . . GO WASH
3. What are you listening to right now? Nothing... typing ....
YOU LIE!Your always listening to something, the paranoid voices in your head!!! And guess what they are right ''NOBODY LIKES YOU''
4. What was the last thing that you ate? A medium roll with chicken, lettuce, coleslaw and red onion
... and the dry chewing gum you picked from underneath your desk.
5. Can you drive a stick shift? I can, however my own car is an> automatic.. and Karina, believe me, its the only way!!!
When you lie baby Jesus cries
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? red
Like a fucking PERIOD!! With your big stupid period head
7. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Some random person in work..
It was your ex, the one you keep stalking even though hes with a hottie now, and your just a sad pathetic LooooHoooooser
8. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Meh.. she's ok.... ;)
You told me you hated her, you told me that when shes around she drains your soul, so much so that you set up a club for people who also hate her
9. Favorite Vacation Spot ? America.. or Amsterdam!
Youve never go to either ever again, cause your parol officer wont let you
10. Favorite drink? Miller is my beer, vodka was my spirit but i feel> it adversley affects my sanity so im movin onto bacardi with pineapple fanta.
GIMP
11. What is your favorite sport to watch? Ice skating, gymnastics..> not into watching sport really.
You know how i know your gay?
12. Have you ever dyed your hair? Indeed i have
Hem hem and your pubes.
13. Favorite food? Indian is amazing, its just like sex in my mouth!!!
Sex in your mouth is called a blowjob!!! Im never eating an Indian again.
14. Last movie you watched? Sex and the City- went to the cinema last> night.. it was better than expected
You didnt see any of the movie you were to busy giving head in the back row.
15. What do you do to vent anger? Have a rant! Torment myself> mentally... take it out on someone.. ha ha.
You stab little kittens with knitting needles!!!
16. What was your favorite toy as a child? hmm. i had a kickin doll's> house with furniture etc.. It was ''MY FUCKING YELLOW BIKE'' which you stole and then dumped it in the river!!! Dont think that i dont know you did that. . . . . . . . . . revenge is best served cold!!!
17. What is your favorite season? Summer
Cause it makes your gee all sweaty.
18. Hugs or kisses? kisses
Soppy bitch.
19. Cherry or Blueberry? blueberry i suppose CHERRY?
youve forgotten what that is, been so long since you had yours.
20. Do you want your friends to email you back?why not!
Ha you have no friends.
21. Who is most likely to respond? No one
Your right there loohooooser.
22. Who is least likely to respond? hmm, dunno?
YOUR MA
23. When was the last time you cried? Over the weekend at some point.> Im a bit stressed at the minute...
Cause you picked a kids birthmark of their face!! Sick twisted bitch!
24. What is on the floor of your closet? wash basket, hangers, clothes
& month old used condoms.
25. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending> this to? Mala, she's been there since forever
Indeed I have, your like a fucking ball and chain, but just so you know, I only stuck around cause your Ma pays me to be nice to you.
26. Who is the friend you have known the shortest that you are sending> this to? Valerie, she's a newbie!!
Poor bitch RUN!! Get away now while you still can!!!
27. Favorite smells? nice aftershave on a man
You really love the smell of your own farts in the shower.
28. Who inspires you? My dad! Never met a more hard working,> inspirational man! He's just so clued in about everything!
HES NOT YOUR DA, MY DAS YOUR DA!!! Your Mother was a whore
29. What are you afraid of? nothing at this moment in time, i dont> have general fears...
Your afraid of me!!!
30. Favorite car I like? I like BMWs and Mercedes S class.. One day i> will own both!
You'll never own a bike! You are one.
31. Favorite cats or dogs? Dogs
Yes cause cats can sence EVIL, and they run away from you.
32. Number of keys on your key ring? 4,my home, mam and dad's, tony's, work
Yes and you use them all to have wanks in different places
33. How many years at your current job? 2 years and 9 months
Worked for 3 months and 2 weeks 4 hours and 13 minutes, the rest of the time she dossed on MSN.
34. Favorite day of the week? Saturday!!!!!
Cause thats when your Mexican pool boy calls round for a sevice
35. How many states have you lived in? hmm... technically 3, New York,> Connecticut and Seattle, Washington. Short stints but enjoyable!! And> America certainly hasn't seen the last of me!
HA you'll NEVER get past immigration again, considering the last time you got caught with bags of white powder up you gee. I know you were just bringing home sherbet dip for David but the Americans don't appreciate our love for a bit of sherbet
So to prevent me wasting anymore presious moments of my life on these e-mails, I devised a little plan to ensure that nobody EVER sends me one again. Just note that I sent this to eveyone in my address book, and hit 'reply all' also. Yes I am evil and going to Hell, but I will keep you a pint warm at the bar!
1. What is your occupation? Eternal student type person! Or trainee solicitor.
Sharon we all no you dont do any work, you just sit around all day scratching your gee, hoping that the burning sensation in your pants will go away.
2. What color are your socks right now? black.... but they are pump socks so u cant see them
They are stinking socks that you havent changed in ten days. . . . . . GO WASH
3. What are you listening to right now? Nothing... typing ....
YOU LIE!Your always listening to something, the paranoid voices in your head!!! And guess what they are right ''NOBODY LIKES YOU''
4. What was the last thing that you ate? A medium roll with chicken, lettuce, coleslaw and red onion
... and the dry chewing gum you picked from underneath your desk.
5. Can you drive a stick shift? I can, however my own car is an> automatic.. and Karina, believe me, its the only way!!!
When you lie baby Jesus cries
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? red
Like a fucking PERIOD!! With your big stupid period head
7. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Some random person in work..
It was your ex, the one you keep stalking even though hes with a hottie now, and your just a sad pathetic LooooHoooooser
8. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Meh.. she's ok.... ;)
You told me you hated her, you told me that when shes around she drains your soul, so much so that you set up a club for people who also hate her
9. Favorite Vacation Spot ? America.. or Amsterdam!
Youve never go to either ever again, cause your parol officer wont let you
10. Favorite drink? Miller is my beer, vodka was my spirit but i feel> it adversley affects my sanity so im movin onto bacardi with pineapple fanta.
GIMP
11. What is your favorite sport to watch? Ice skating, gymnastics..> not into watching sport really.
You know how i know your gay?
12. Have you ever dyed your hair? Indeed i have
Hem hem and your pubes.
13. Favorite food? Indian is amazing, its just like sex in my mouth!!!
Sex in your mouth is called a blowjob!!! Im never eating an Indian again.
14. Last movie you watched? Sex and the City- went to the cinema last> night.. it was better than expected
You didnt see any of the movie you were to busy giving head in the back row.
15. What do you do to vent anger? Have a rant! Torment myself> mentally... take it out on someone.. ha ha.
You stab little kittens with knitting needles!!!
16. What was your favorite toy as a child? hmm. i had a kickin doll's> house with furniture etc.. It was ''MY FUCKING YELLOW BIKE'' which you stole and then dumped it in the river!!! Dont think that i dont know you did that. . . . . . . . . . revenge is best served cold!!!
17. What is your favorite season? Summer
Cause it makes your gee all sweaty.
18. Hugs or kisses? kisses
Soppy bitch.
19. Cherry or Blueberry? blueberry i suppose CHERRY?
youve forgotten what that is, been so long since you had yours.
20. Do you want your friends to email you back?why not!
Ha you have no friends.
21. Who is most likely to respond? No one
Your right there loohooooser.
22. Who is least likely to respond? hmm, dunno?
YOUR MA
23. When was the last time you cried? Over the weekend at some point.> Im a bit stressed at the minute...
Cause you picked a kids birthmark of their face!! Sick twisted bitch!
24. What is on the floor of your closet? wash basket, hangers, clothes
& month old used condoms.
25. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending> this to? Mala, she's been there since forever
Indeed I have, your like a fucking ball and chain, but just so you know, I only stuck around cause your Ma pays me to be nice to you.
26. Who is the friend you have known the shortest that you are sending> this to? Valerie, she's a newbie!!
Poor bitch RUN!! Get away now while you still can!!!
27. Favorite smells? nice aftershave on a man
You really love the smell of your own farts in the shower.
28. Who inspires you? My dad! Never met a more hard working,> inspirational man! He's just so clued in about everything!
HES NOT YOUR DA, MY DAS YOUR DA!!! Your Mother was a whore
29. What are you afraid of? nothing at this moment in time, i dont> have general fears...
Your afraid of me!!!
30. Favorite car I like? I like BMWs and Mercedes S class.. One day i> will own both!
You'll never own a bike! You are one.
31. Favorite cats or dogs? Dogs
Yes cause cats can sence EVIL, and they run away from you.
32. Number of keys on your key ring? 4,my home, mam and dad's, tony's, work
Yes and you use them all to have wanks in different places
33. How many years at your current job? 2 years and 9 months
Worked for 3 months and 2 weeks 4 hours and 13 minutes, the rest of the time she dossed on MSN.
34. Favorite day of the week? Saturday!!!!!
Cause thats when your Mexican pool boy calls round for a sevice
35. How many states have you lived in? hmm... technically 3, New York,> Connecticut and Seattle, Washington. Short stints but enjoyable!! And> America certainly hasn't seen the last of me!
HA you'll NEVER get past immigration again, considering the last time you got caught with bags of white powder up you gee. I know you were just bringing home sherbet dip for David but the Americans don't appreciate our love for a bit of sherbet
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
What would you like to be when you grow up?
As a bit of a sideline job, I entertain at kids parties, play a few games, attempt to juggle, make a few balloon animals and do a little bit of face painting. I have to say, I'm quite a dab hand with the brush and Ive created some beautiful snot encrusted masterpieces on the little gems. So the other day, there I was, brush in hand and at the ready, and this little girl sat down in front of me with her Mammy in toe
Me: Now, what would you like to be?
Little Girl: Id like to be a PUSSY!
I couldn't contain my laughter, and the Mother was not impressed with my uncontrollable giggles, I tried my best to save the now awkward situation.
Me: Soooooo, what color eeeehhhhh pussy would you like to be?
Little Girl: Eeeehhhhhhh??
Me: Would you like to be Black or White or maybe Orange? (bear in mind I'm a Redhead)
Little Girl: Id like to be a Ginger Pussy just like you. ( with a big smile on her face)
The tears were starting to roll down my face at this point, I tried my best to stop the shoulder shake, I could feel the Mother's death stare on me but I was powerless..........
Stupid woman anyway, teaching her little girl filthy words like that!
Its a God Dam Fucking CAT!!!!
Me: Now, what would you like to be?
Little Girl: Id like to be a PUSSY!
I couldn't contain my laughter, and the Mother was not impressed with my uncontrollable giggles, I tried my best to save the now awkward situation.
Me: Soooooo, what color eeeehhhhh pussy would you like to be?
Little Girl: Eeeehhhhhhh??
Me: Would you like to be Black or White or maybe Orange? (bear in mind I'm a Redhead)
Little Girl: Id like to be a Ginger Pussy just like you. ( with a big smile on her face)
The tears were starting to roll down my face at this point, I tried my best to stop the shoulder shake, I could feel the Mother's death stare on me but I was powerless..........
Stupid woman anyway, teaching her little girl filthy words like that!
Its a God Dam Fucking CAT!!!!
Monday, June 16, 2008
Waxing
( I wish I could take credit for this, but unfortunately its not mine)
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... Considering Valentines was on the horizon, I thought that the auld Lady garden might need a trim. That dreadfull thought would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. I was ready for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my pants and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) . I inhale deeply and brace myself...RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy muff sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. .. I am touching wax !! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to shit. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!* I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!
Thank Christ my mobile was at hand!!! Always bring a mobile to the loo.I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my ass and gee are glued together to the bottom of the bath!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and ... OH MY GAWD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works !!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair...THE HAIR IS STILL HERE.......ALL OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point. Next week I'm going to try hair color......
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... Considering Valentines was on the horizon, I thought that the auld Lady garden might need a trim. That dreadfull thought would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. I was ready for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my pants and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) . I inhale deeply and brace myself...RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy muff sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. .. I am touching wax !! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to shit. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!* I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!
Thank Christ my mobile was at hand!!! Always bring a mobile to the loo.I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my ass and gee are glued together to the bottom of the bath!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and ... OH MY GAWD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works !!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair...THE HAIR IS STILL HERE.......ALL OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point. Next week I'm going to try hair color......
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Ginger Joy's
I have been asked this question many time's, and it still amazes me why people would be interested in the answer. I think its a ginger thing?
Do your curtain's match your carpet?
My response is: What are you talking about, Ive only got a welcome mat!!
Do your curtain's match your carpet?
My response is: What are you talking about, Ive only got a welcome mat!!
Friday, May 16, 2008
Text Trouble
Do you use predict-a-text?
Has it ever gotten you into trouble?
Well one morning I awoke unusually early for a Saturday, especially considering that Id had a night on the town the night before. So as my head was pounding, I thought it only fair to text the Bitch that had convinced me to join her in a Friday night Martini Mayhem. As it was the early hours of the morning, I thought it only apt to send her a wake up text of ''Cock a Doodle Do''
Her responce of . . . . ' Well I supose up the bum no hard done' didnt make sence to me, until I realised that the text Id sent her was actually
''Anal a Doodle Do''! God Dam Predict-a- text.
So after my little finger slip, I thought about how that very same mistake had the potential to be very dangerous indeed. Imagine your havin a little bit of Text-sex?
'' Im in the mood for a bit of . . . . . . . . ''
Big Difference!!!
I wont even mention what KICK MY PUPPY is
Has it ever gotten you into trouble?
Well one morning I awoke unusually early for a Saturday, especially considering that Id had a night on the town the night before. So as my head was pounding, I thought it only fair to text the Bitch that had convinced me to join her in a Friday night Martini Mayhem. As it was the early hours of the morning, I thought it only apt to send her a wake up text of ''Cock a Doodle Do''
Her responce of . . . . ' Well I supose up the bum no hard done' didnt make sence to me, until I realised that the text Id sent her was actually
''Anal a Doodle Do''! God Dam Predict-a- text.
So after my little finger slip, I thought about how that very same mistake had the potential to be very dangerous indeed. Imagine your havin a little bit of Text-sex?
'' Im in the mood for a bit of . . . . . . . . ''
Big Difference!!!
I wont even mention what KICK MY PUPPY is
Back by Popular Demand!
The Arklow Challenge
Objective: To successfully consume an alcoholic beverage in every drinking establishment in Arklow, between the hours of 11.00am Saturday and 2.30am Sunday.
Definition of a beverage:
Bottle of Cider/Beer, Glass of Stout
¼ bottle of Wine
Spirit with a Mixer
A Shot (baby Guinness is not allowed)
The following terms and conditions apply:
1. There shall be no use of vehicular transportation.
(wheelbarrows, skateboards and Tesco trolleys are deemed as vehicles)
2. Vomiting will not be tolerated.
3. Anybody arrested shall be disqualified.
4. Participants must consume their allocated drink in the Bay Hotel after 6.00pm Saturday 19th April. (please note rule #1)
5. If for any reason a participant is refused entry to an establishment they must firstly, consume a drink in the nearest establishment. Secondly, complete a dare set out by their fellow contestants.
6. All participants must have 1 or more members of Arklow’s Drinking Club present at the time of the alcohol consumption, or alternatively video graphic evidence.
7. The Memorial beverages may only be consumed once all other establishments have been visited.
8. Drinking duo’s only are allowed, no rounds shall be purchased.
9. Only 2 designated meals will be allowed, lunch & dinner. Consumption of bar snacks will be frowned upon, and anybody wishing to do so, must first complete a dare set out by their fellow contestants.
10. On finishing your beverage you must place your glass or bottle upside-down above your head before you can leave the pub. If your chosen beverage is Stout this action will not be required.
11. No fighting, spitting, urinating in public, crying, stripping, or handstands.
12. On the unlikely event that you should mistakenly knock over and spill a drink, you shall replace that beverage, and as punishment you will have to sit on the floor for a timed five minutes.
13. Consumption of water will be narrowed down to 1 pint every hour.
14. Should your Guinness flatulence get out of hand, you shall source an alternative beverage.
15. Performance enhancing drugs are not allowed, this also includes Viagra.
This Blog shall not be held responsible for any costs resulting from hospital care or criminal damage.
Objective: To successfully consume an alcoholic beverage in every drinking establishment in Arklow, between the hours of 11.00am Saturday and 2.30am Sunday.
Definition of a beverage:
Bottle of Cider/Beer, Glass of Stout
¼ bottle of Wine
Spirit with a Mixer
A Shot (baby Guinness is not allowed)
The following terms and conditions apply:
1. There shall be no use of vehicular transportation.
(wheelbarrows, skateboards and Tesco trolleys are deemed as vehicles)
2. Vomiting will not be tolerated.
3. Anybody arrested shall be disqualified.
4. Participants must consume their allocated drink in the Bay Hotel after 6.00pm Saturday 19th April. (please note rule #1)
5. If for any reason a participant is refused entry to an establishment they must firstly, consume a drink in the nearest establishment. Secondly, complete a dare set out by their fellow contestants.
6. All participants must have 1 or more members of Arklow’s Drinking Club present at the time of the alcohol consumption, or alternatively video graphic evidence.
7. The Memorial beverages may only be consumed once all other establishments have been visited.
8. Drinking duo’s only are allowed, no rounds shall be purchased.
9. Only 2 designated meals will be allowed, lunch & dinner. Consumption of bar snacks will be frowned upon, and anybody wishing to do so, must first complete a dare set out by their fellow contestants.
10. On finishing your beverage you must place your glass or bottle upside-down above your head before you can leave the pub. If your chosen beverage is Stout this action will not be required.
11. No fighting, spitting, urinating in public, crying, stripping, or handstands.
12. On the unlikely event that you should mistakenly knock over and spill a drink, you shall replace that beverage, and as punishment you will have to sit on the floor for a timed five minutes.
13. Consumption of water will be narrowed down to 1 pint every hour.
14. Should your Guinness flatulence get out of hand, you shall source an alternative beverage.
15. Performance enhancing drugs are not allowed, this also includes Viagra.
This Blog shall not be held responsible for any costs resulting from hospital care or criminal damage.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Wicklow News!
Well, Ive made the front page of the local rag! With my controversial take on a days drinking session. In my foolishness and haste, I deleted the post in a bit of a panic but after consulting with my good friend Jack Daniels I think bollox to that.
I suppose Ive learnt a very valuable lesson here, with comedy you either like it or you don't, or in this case you either get it............ or you don't.
Comedians are controversial, that's all part of the act, so the fact that the local rag deems me front page news is fantastic!! God Ive only been at this for a few weeks and already I'm famous, id like to take this opportunity to thank the paper for highlighting my blog!!might get a few stand up gigs from it.
Now, I do have to say that although I'm delighted to make the headlines, I'm a bit upset that they didn't deem the whole thing printable, they left out some of the more important rules...
rule#1 There shall be no use of vehicular transportation (wheelbarrows, skateboards and Tesco trolleys are deemed as vehicles)
Rule#9 Consumption of bar snacks will be frowned upon
Rule# 14 Should your Guinness flatulence get out of hand, you shall source an alternative beverage.
Rule # 15 Performance enhancing drugs are not allowed, this also includes Viagra.
So here's CHEERS to the extra PUB-licity!!
AS IF IT WASNT OBVIOUS ENOUGH
This blog is to be taken as seriously as ..............a whoppie cushion at a funeral!
I suppose Ive learnt a very valuable lesson here, with comedy you either like it or you don't, or in this case you either get it............ or you don't.
Comedians are controversial, that's all part of the act, so the fact that the local rag deems me front page news is fantastic!! God Ive only been at this for a few weeks and already I'm famous, id like to take this opportunity to thank the paper for highlighting my blog!!might get a few stand up gigs from it.
Now, I do have to say that although I'm delighted to make the headlines, I'm a bit upset that they didn't deem the whole thing printable, they left out some of the more important rules...
rule#1 There shall be no use of vehicular transportation (wheelbarrows, skateboards and Tesco trolleys are deemed as vehicles)
Rule#9 Consumption of bar snacks will be frowned upon
Rule# 14 Should your Guinness flatulence get out of hand, you shall source an alternative beverage.
Rule # 15 Performance enhancing drugs are not allowed, this also includes Viagra.
So here's CHEERS to the extra PUB-licity!!
AS IF IT WASNT OBVIOUS ENOUGH
This blog is to be taken as seriously as ..............a whoppie cushion at a funeral!
Arklow Challenge
Oh its front page NEWS!!!!
''Local Gardai and publicans are on the alert for a drinking challenge which they fear could sweep the town. They hope to stamp ut the so-caled Arklow Challenge before it gets going.
The Challenge which dares people to have a drink in every pub in Arklow was posted on the internet last week and has been condemned for promoting binge drinking.
The Random Headspace Blog which sets down the objective to ''successfully consume an alcoholic beverage in every drinking establishment in Arklow between the hours of 11am any Saturday and 2:30am any Sunday''.
The blog lists 15 rules for the Challenge. Rule 3 states that anyone arrested should be disqualified while rule 11 states that there should be no fighting, spitting, urinating in public, crying stripping or handstands.
However, a spokesperson for Arklow Gardai has slated the Challenge. He urged publicans to keep their eyes open for people who appear to be taking part in the Arklow Challenge.
Head of Arklow Vintners Pat Hoey described the dare as irresponsible. He said no member of the local Vintners Association would promote it and discouraged people from taking part. ''We will be watching out for it,'' he warned.
''Local Gardai and publicans are on the alert for a drinking challenge which they fear could sweep the town. They hope to stamp ut the so-caled Arklow Challenge before it gets going.
The Challenge which dares people to have a drink in every pub in Arklow was posted on the internet last week and has been condemned for promoting binge drinking.
The Random Headspace Blog which sets down the objective to ''successfully consume an alcoholic beverage in every drinking establishment in Arklow between the hours of 11am any Saturday and 2:30am any Sunday''.
The blog lists 15 rules for the Challenge. Rule 3 states that anyone arrested should be disqualified while rule 11 states that there should be no fighting, spitting, urinating in public, crying stripping or handstands.
However, a spokesperson for Arklow Gardai has slated the Challenge. He urged publicans to keep their eyes open for people who appear to be taking part in the Arklow Challenge.
Head of Arklow Vintners Pat Hoey described the dare as irresponsible. He said no member of the local Vintners Association would promote it and discouraged people from taking part. ''We will be watching out for it,'' he warned.
Wicklow News - 29th April 2008
Before today the Arklow Drinking Club was a figment of my imagination.
Monday, April 21, 2008
I wanna make you laugh
Right, so the story goes a little bit like this............... I realised that the C.C would be over soon, and considering that I've basically dedicated the past year of my life to that, I thought 'What the fuck am I going to do now?'
So I had a little think to myself about what I would like to do...........
Id like to be a Stand Up Comedian!!!
So I decided to do a bit of research, and by research I mean surf 'youtube'. So off I went and typed in 'Female Comedians'. Loads of results came back, and I had a good giggle at a few of them, but to be totally honest there was one thing that really put me off. They all talk quite alot about 'Vagina's!'
Now I don't know about you, but I personally don't find vagina's very amusing..............nor do I find them appealing.
So I decided that I would steer clear of the topic of Vagina's, and try to focus on different topics, such as Tesco and my flatmates .I also decided to try and keep smutt out of the act, but thats proving quite difficult!!!
So anyway, back to finding material for the act, I supose the reason for this blog is to track my random thoughts, get feedback from people and then try to put some sort of act together. So to anybody reading this please fell free to leave comments, or even better leave funny stories.
So I had a little think to myself about what I would like to do...........
Id like to be a Stand Up Comedian!!!
So I decided to do a bit of research, and by research I mean surf 'youtube'. So off I went and typed in 'Female Comedians'. Loads of results came back, and I had a good giggle at a few of them, but to be totally honest there was one thing that really put me off. They all talk quite alot about 'Vagina's!'
Now I don't know about you, but I personally don't find vagina's very amusing..............nor do I find them appealing.
So I decided that I would steer clear of the topic of Vagina's, and try to focus on different topics, such as Tesco and my flatmates .I also decided to try and keep smutt out of the act, but thats proving quite difficult!!!
So anyway, back to finding material for the act, I supose the reason for this blog is to track my random thoughts, get feedback from people and then try to put some sort of act together. So to anybody reading this please fell free to leave comments, or even better leave funny stories.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Every Little Helps
Have you seen the new Tesco Direct catalogue?
Its basically used (hem hem stolen) Argos's idea! Now you can buy practically everything in Tesco, I mean you can even get your insurance and a loan from Tesco. You can get a loan form tesco to buy all the shite that you dont need, from tesco. Am I the only person that finds it impossible to just buy bread?I swear in the head office of Tesco there a two little mice, having a conversation about what they are going to do tonight.
'Try to take over the WORLD'
So it got me thinking.............. what cant you buy in Tesco?
Mmmhhhh you cant buy a dildo in Tesco, and even if they did decide to branch out, I don't really think their slogan would help the marketing of the product ................. 'Every Little Helps'.
Its basically used (hem hem stolen) Argos's idea! Now you can buy practically everything in Tesco, I mean you can even get your insurance and a loan from Tesco. You can get a loan form tesco to buy all the shite that you dont need, from tesco. Am I the only person that finds it impossible to just buy bread?I swear in the head office of Tesco there a two little mice, having a conversation about what they are going to do tonight.
'Try to take over the WORLD'
So it got me thinking.............. what cant you buy in Tesco?
Mmmhhhh you cant buy a dildo in Tesco, and even if they did decide to branch out, I don't really think their slogan would help the marketing of the product ................. 'Every Little Helps'.
Friday, April 11, 2008
I lick my cheese
Flatmates............ who'd have em?
Unfortunately I have to!!
Yet again I'm faced with the daunting task of trying to find someone suitable to live with. I mean how hard could it be to find someone normal! Turns out, from my past experiences very hard indeed.
I'm just going to give you a quick recap on a few of my previous flatmates, of which the total number comes to 32, most of which were normal but a few of which should have be put in a plastic bag at birth and thrown over a bridge. Is 32 a high number? I wonder what the average is? I truly believe that I am the human equivalent of fly paper for freaks, and judging on my past house sharing record, there's evidence to prove it.
I once lived with a guy who thought it was OK to walk around naked, a girl who bought plastic cutlery and paper plates so she didn't have to wash up and a farm boy who lost his personality in a tragic tractor accident. There was also one incident where I woke up in my own bed to find my male flatmate watching me as I slept!! Needless to say he was kicked out of the house the very next day **shudder**
But anyway back to my current dilemma...........
Its very hard to figure someone out in the whole ten minutes of a room viewing. Most nutters do a good job of hiding the crazy for the initial introductions, Ive found it usually takes a fortnight or more for the veil to slip and let the crazy start to slip out. So what to do??
I wish there was a handy little device you could buy in the hardware store to detect freaks, like the little breath tester that tells you if you can drive. **knock knock** Hi very nice to met you, before I show you around the house, could you blow into this device please ...........**beep beep** Oh I'm very sorry sir, your results show that your a closet cross dresser,and you spend your spare time stalking your ex-girlfriends mother.
Unfortunately I have to!!
Yet again I'm faced with the daunting task of trying to find someone suitable to live with. I mean how hard could it be to find someone normal! Turns out, from my past experiences very hard indeed.
I'm just going to give you a quick recap on a few of my previous flatmates, of which the total number comes to 32, most of which were normal but a few of which should have be put in a plastic bag at birth and thrown over a bridge. Is 32 a high number? I wonder what the average is? I truly believe that I am the human equivalent of fly paper for freaks, and judging on my past house sharing record, there's evidence to prove it.
I once lived with a guy who thought it was OK to walk around naked, a girl who bought plastic cutlery and paper plates so she didn't have to wash up and a farm boy who lost his personality in a tragic tractor accident. There was also one incident where I woke up in my own bed to find my male flatmate watching me as I slept!! Needless to say he was kicked out of the house the very next day **shudder**
But anyway back to my current dilemma...........
Its very hard to figure someone out in the whole ten minutes of a room viewing. Most nutters do a good job of hiding the crazy for the initial introductions, Ive found it usually takes a fortnight or more for the veil to slip and let the crazy start to slip out. So what to do??
I wish there was a handy little device you could buy in the hardware store to detect freaks, like the little breath tester that tells you if you can drive. **knock knock** Hi very nice to met you, before I show you around the house, could you blow into this device please ...........**beep beep** Oh I'm very sorry sir, your results show that your a closet cross dresser,and you spend your spare time stalking your ex-girlfriends mother.
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