I gave a man an inch,
He asked me to cut my fingernails
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
Thats not my name!
OK is it just me or are the song lyrics of the noughties just plain utter shit? Once upon a time the lyrics were entwined with the melody to create musical masterpieces, now all we get is a addictive humming tune with verbal scutter to fill in the blanks.
They call me Stacy that's not my name................... Well for fuck sake, what is your God dam name?Cause all I know is, its not Stacy
I like you so much better when your naked........................ the only time I would ever say that to someone would be if my rotten ex-boyfriend happened to be handcuffed to a bin outside my local chipper.
This sex is on fire......................... you better get a cream for that then
If I were a boy.....................well then Beyonce, that would make Jay-z GAY!
They call me Stacy that's not my name................... Well for fuck sake, what is your God dam name?Cause all I know is, its not Stacy
I like you so much better when your naked........................ the only time I would ever say that to someone would be if my rotten ex-boyfriend happened to be handcuffed to a bin outside my local chipper.
This sex is on fire......................... you better get a cream for that then
If I were a boy.....................well then Beyonce, that would make Jay-z GAY!
Saturday, December 6, 2008
My First Short Story
The door swung open and in he walked with his arrogant stride. Delilah couldn’t help but sigh, ‘Anybody but him, anybody but Chris’ she thought to herself. She continued cleaning the counter top, with her head hug down hoping that she wouldn’t have to have a conversation with him. She was wrecked, the hotel had been the busiest she had ever seen it before and she wanted to do after her twelve hour shift was to go home and curl up in her warm bed.
She glanced up from behind the bar, to see what he was up to. He was at the far end of the function room collection the evidence from earlier which mainly consisted of empty pint bottles of bulmers and Smirnoff ice. It was easy to know from the remains that the room earlier hosted a twenty first party, had it been a gun club or a rugby function all that would have remained would of been Guinness glasses with a scattered few brandy glasses.
As she continued to clean down the bar, he watched her, he had watched her all night, he particularly liked to watch her unload the dishwasher where she bent over and took a firm grip of the tray, or when she had to reach up for the spirits on the top shelf, forcing her shirt up just enough that he could catch a glimpse of her jewelled belly button.
He was going to make the very best of this opportunity now, just the two of them. He strutted towards the bar, empty glasses in hand ,as she heard the clinking of the glasses getting closer she looked up. ‘Busy night’ she said, hoping that he would take it as a statement and not a conversation starter. ‘Ya it was, but I’m sure you enjoyed it, working the twenty first is just down your alley, lots of nice eye candy for you’ he smirked.
Delilah had wondered how long it would take him to get a dig at her, she didn’t respond, she just kept on cleaning. ‘I mean cradle snatching is your thing’ he continued, ‘poor Daren never stood a chance against a vixen like you, I’m sure you taught him a thing or two.’
Delilah could feel her face beginning to flush and she wasn’t sure if it was from Chris’s intrusive remarks, or just the mention of Darren’s name. Delilah the barmaid and Daren the porter had had a brief fling in the summer before Daren had returned to college. Although she was only four years his senior at the tender age of twenty five, the cradle snatching comments had always annoyed her.
Chris continued his intrusion, ‘Oh I’m sure you were his own Mrs Robinson, I never really understood a woman’s attraction to a younger man, the older ones have more experience, just like I have.’ Delilah looked up to catch his eyebrows raise up and down to emphasise the ‘more experience.’
‘Maybe the young ones are better looking and just more fun’ she snapped. Regretting her words seconds after they had left her mouth. Her tone had been sharp and that was no way to speak to a manager, even if it was only Chris, but knowing him as she did, she knew she had just given him ammo for yet another sexual advance. ‘ Oh I could show you just how much fun the older ones can be.’ he sleazed, just as Delilah had predicted. She didn’t respond trying to make herself look busy as she loaded the dishwasher.
He slid threw the open hatch, as he preferred to get a better view from behind the bar, but tried to cover up his intentions with a professional slant. ‘ Any over reg’s on the till?’ he questioned her, as he brushed up against her , she was bent over the dishwasher. ‘No’ she said flatly and she manoeuvred herself around the dishwasher away from him. She was feeling very claustrophobic now, the small space behind the bar seemed an even tighter squeeze now that he was there.
‘So’ Chris began, ‘How is Darren these days? Do you see much of him?’. ‘No’ she replied, she no more wanted to have this conversation than a cat wants a bubble bath, but he continued to pry. ‘So how long were you two going out?’. ‘We weren’t’ she snapped. ‘Oh I see, you two were just, what’s it called now, that’s it, fuck buddies’ Delilah’s stomach did a flip and she felt a sudden urge to get sick, had anyone else said that to her she would have reacted with a stern ‘Fuck Off’ but this was her boss, and he had a special way of making her feisty side hide away, she needed this job and couldn’t risk crossing any lines with him, although he constantly crossed them with her. She wondered what would happen if she accused him of sexual harassment, she always thought that sexual harassment was where the woman felt completely intimidated and victimised, to her this was more along the lines of constant sexual annoyance.
Chris picked up on the silence and moved towards her, he put his arm around her shoulder, ‘Are you ok? Is there anything I can do for you?’ She tried to slip out of his arms but he griped her tighter. ‘You know if you’re lonely and on the look out for a new fuck buddy I’m sure we could arrange something. You know hooking up with the boss could have its advantages’ as he said this his hand slid to the crest of her back and he lightly slapped her arse, then rested his had on her hip. ‘I could give you a lift home tonight, and we could see just how many advantages it would have’.
This was it, this was all Delilah could take, with focused eyes and through gritted teeth she snarled at him ‘Take your hand off me NOW!’ Chris stood back, his shocked face hosted his open mouth. Delilah’s tone dramatically changed now, like something you would hear from a Montessori teacher. ‘Now Chris’ she began, ‘do you really expect me to bring you home and as you so politely put it, start a fuck buddy relationship? Really do you? She was surprised how quickly the tables had turned, the power to silence the opposition had been placed in her hands. His silence allowed her to continue, ‘Its now 4.30a.m and I’ve worked a twelve hour shift what in gods name makes you think that the first thing on my mind right now would be sex? Seriously, do you really expect me to bring you into my bed tonight? Well do you?
Chris began to stumble over this question, ‘Well, I just though, well I just wanted to….’ Delilah cut across his mumblings ‘ Oh I know exactly what you wanted, some instant gratification.’
He had found his voice again and managed a response, ‘There’s nothing wrong with wanting a bit of fun, Jesus Delilah there’s no need to be so uptight and frigid.’
That last statement was the straw that broke the camels back, men are so pre-DICK-table, if a girl doesn’t want to sleep with a guy its because they are frigid, nothing to do with the fact that the guy in question may be a slobbering moran or a sexist prat, nope its frigidness. If there was one thing Delilah was gifted at, was her art to pick at peoples insecurities, she very seldom used this gift but this situation called for an blitz.
She now launched her attack, with a stern condescending tone,
‘Oh I can assure you I’m not frigid, there’s nothing I like more than a good hard seeing too, but as Lorrain from housekeeping told me, a hard seeing too is a bit out of your league, and as I recall she didn’t mention the word good either. Oh and Ill let you in on a little non-frigid fact about me, I like to have sex standing up, now that would pose quite a problem for you because even if you had a 4ft mickey, you still wouldn’t reach me, you little short arse, now fuck off annoying me and accept that your just not the type of guy that I would ever trim my minge for.’
She was one a roll now and it felt great, as he stood in front of her like a scolded schoolboy she unleashed more of her viper tongue.
‘As for all your derogative comments, I sick hearing then, your all mouth when I comes to women you haven’t got a clue about how to pleasure one, smutty porn is not to be taken as an instruction manual Chris, maybe its time you got rid of your stash and started to behave like a gentleman.
With that Delilah strode out from behind the bar and strutted towards the door,
‘I’m off home to bed alone now, Ill leave you here to clean up the rest of the bar, and depending on my mood tomorrow, I may or may not decide to report you for harassment, Goodnight’.
She glanced up from behind the bar, to see what he was up to. He was at the far end of the function room collection the evidence from earlier which mainly consisted of empty pint bottles of bulmers and Smirnoff ice. It was easy to know from the remains that the room earlier hosted a twenty first party, had it been a gun club or a rugby function all that would have remained would of been Guinness glasses with a scattered few brandy glasses.
As she continued to clean down the bar, he watched her, he had watched her all night, he particularly liked to watch her unload the dishwasher where she bent over and took a firm grip of the tray, or when she had to reach up for the spirits on the top shelf, forcing her shirt up just enough that he could catch a glimpse of her jewelled belly button.
He was going to make the very best of this opportunity now, just the two of them. He strutted towards the bar, empty glasses in hand ,as she heard the clinking of the glasses getting closer she looked up. ‘Busy night’ she said, hoping that he would take it as a statement and not a conversation starter. ‘Ya it was, but I’m sure you enjoyed it, working the twenty first is just down your alley, lots of nice eye candy for you’ he smirked.
Delilah had wondered how long it would take him to get a dig at her, she didn’t respond, she just kept on cleaning. ‘I mean cradle snatching is your thing’ he continued, ‘poor Daren never stood a chance against a vixen like you, I’m sure you taught him a thing or two.’
Delilah could feel her face beginning to flush and she wasn’t sure if it was from Chris’s intrusive remarks, or just the mention of Darren’s name. Delilah the barmaid and Daren the porter had had a brief fling in the summer before Daren had returned to college. Although she was only four years his senior at the tender age of twenty five, the cradle snatching comments had always annoyed her.
Chris continued his intrusion, ‘Oh I’m sure you were his own Mrs Robinson, I never really understood a woman’s attraction to a younger man, the older ones have more experience, just like I have.’ Delilah looked up to catch his eyebrows raise up and down to emphasise the ‘more experience.’
‘Maybe the young ones are better looking and just more fun’ she snapped. Regretting her words seconds after they had left her mouth. Her tone had been sharp and that was no way to speak to a manager, even if it was only Chris, but knowing him as she did, she knew she had just given him ammo for yet another sexual advance. ‘ Oh I could show you just how much fun the older ones can be.’ he sleazed, just as Delilah had predicted. She didn’t respond trying to make herself look busy as she loaded the dishwasher.
He slid threw the open hatch, as he preferred to get a better view from behind the bar, but tried to cover up his intentions with a professional slant. ‘ Any over reg’s on the till?’ he questioned her, as he brushed up against her , she was bent over the dishwasher. ‘No’ she said flatly and she manoeuvred herself around the dishwasher away from him. She was feeling very claustrophobic now, the small space behind the bar seemed an even tighter squeeze now that he was there.
‘So’ Chris began, ‘How is Darren these days? Do you see much of him?’. ‘No’ she replied, she no more wanted to have this conversation than a cat wants a bubble bath, but he continued to pry. ‘So how long were you two going out?’. ‘We weren’t’ she snapped. ‘Oh I see, you two were just, what’s it called now, that’s it, fuck buddies’ Delilah’s stomach did a flip and she felt a sudden urge to get sick, had anyone else said that to her she would have reacted with a stern ‘Fuck Off’ but this was her boss, and he had a special way of making her feisty side hide away, she needed this job and couldn’t risk crossing any lines with him, although he constantly crossed them with her. She wondered what would happen if she accused him of sexual harassment, she always thought that sexual harassment was where the woman felt completely intimidated and victimised, to her this was more along the lines of constant sexual annoyance.
Chris picked up on the silence and moved towards her, he put his arm around her shoulder, ‘Are you ok? Is there anything I can do for you?’ She tried to slip out of his arms but he griped her tighter. ‘You know if you’re lonely and on the look out for a new fuck buddy I’m sure we could arrange something. You know hooking up with the boss could have its advantages’ as he said this his hand slid to the crest of her back and he lightly slapped her arse, then rested his had on her hip. ‘I could give you a lift home tonight, and we could see just how many advantages it would have’.
This was it, this was all Delilah could take, with focused eyes and through gritted teeth she snarled at him ‘Take your hand off me NOW!’ Chris stood back, his shocked face hosted his open mouth. Delilah’s tone dramatically changed now, like something you would hear from a Montessori teacher. ‘Now Chris’ she began, ‘do you really expect me to bring you home and as you so politely put it, start a fuck buddy relationship? Really do you? She was surprised how quickly the tables had turned, the power to silence the opposition had been placed in her hands. His silence allowed her to continue, ‘Its now 4.30a.m and I’ve worked a twelve hour shift what in gods name makes you think that the first thing on my mind right now would be sex? Seriously, do you really expect me to bring you into my bed tonight? Well do you?
Chris began to stumble over this question, ‘Well, I just though, well I just wanted to….’ Delilah cut across his mumblings ‘ Oh I know exactly what you wanted, some instant gratification.’
He had found his voice again and managed a response, ‘There’s nothing wrong with wanting a bit of fun, Jesus Delilah there’s no need to be so uptight and frigid.’
That last statement was the straw that broke the camels back, men are so pre-DICK-table, if a girl doesn’t want to sleep with a guy its because they are frigid, nothing to do with the fact that the guy in question may be a slobbering moran or a sexist prat, nope its frigidness. If there was one thing Delilah was gifted at, was her art to pick at peoples insecurities, she very seldom used this gift but this situation called for an blitz.
She now launched her attack, with a stern condescending tone,
‘Oh I can assure you I’m not frigid, there’s nothing I like more than a good hard seeing too, but as Lorrain from housekeeping told me, a hard seeing too is a bit out of your league, and as I recall she didn’t mention the word good either. Oh and Ill let you in on a little non-frigid fact about me, I like to have sex standing up, now that would pose quite a problem for you because even if you had a 4ft mickey, you still wouldn’t reach me, you little short arse, now fuck off annoying me and accept that your just not the type of guy that I would ever trim my minge for.’
She was one a roll now and it felt great, as he stood in front of her like a scolded schoolboy she unleashed more of her viper tongue.
‘As for all your derogative comments, I sick hearing then, your all mouth when I comes to women you haven’t got a clue about how to pleasure one, smutty porn is not to be taken as an instruction manual Chris, maybe its time you got rid of your stash and started to behave like a gentleman.
With that Delilah strode out from behind the bar and strutted towards the door,
‘I’m off home to bed alone now, Ill leave you here to clean up the rest of the bar, and depending on my mood tomorrow, I may or may not decide to report you for harassment, Goodnight’.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Celtic Tiger
Well with all the 'Doom & Gloom' around at the moment, I thought I would cheer myself up for Halloween. Can you guess what I was?
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Crusin in Arklow
Crusin In Arkow
Put on my peaked cap, and my tunes, got in the car.
Drove up and down Main Street pasted the midnight hour.
Father Murphy wont you look down over me,Ive got a first class Civic
And its as loud as the amp can be.......
Well I was Crusin in Arklow
I was crusin with my arm flat back to the seat,
Crusin in ArklowBut can I really see over the wheel.
Saw a nice Subaru, up on John Paul Avenue,
Asked him to drive up past the gates of Glenart,
and Ill follow for a race or two.
Now the Guards, their not gonna see ya, cause their parked up at Le Chef,
Its gonna be a pretty little race, Ill set the pace, for beating a Subaru.
Well I was Crusin in Arklow
I was crusin with my arm flat back on the seat
Crusin in Arklow
But can I really see over the wheel.
They've got lights up on the dashboard
They've got ''DUFF DUFF'' in the air
Apple Green is glad to see you, when your filling up the car
Oh you've got a loyalty card!
Now the boys they park their cars up, Every Friday at the courthouse,
I drove down to see them, And they asked me if i could
Do a little doughnut, so i drove with all my might,
They said 'Are you a Racer Girl?
And I said ' Fuck I am tonight'!!!!
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Lenor
The new fragrance of Lenor.........................
''Black Diamond and Lotus flower''
Now can anybody please tell me what exactly Diamond smells like? The first thing that comes to my mind when someone announces that they are engaged isn't
''Come here and give me a sniff of you ring''
''Black Diamond and Lotus flower''
Now can anybody please tell me what exactly Diamond smells like? The first thing that comes to my mind when someone announces that they are engaged isn't
''Come here and give me a sniff of you ring''
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