Sayings

He came onto me...............................

Think about it!!
He............... CAME.......onto me!!!

Seriously people say this a lot but don't stop to think about what it means!!!

More thoughts on the Dildo Joke

Further to the

Ba da dat da daaaaaaaaa.............. Im lovin it!

It brings a whole new meaning to the ''Happy Meal''

Tesco's Finest

So, as my earlier blog states,Tesco cant ever sell Dildos because of there slogan. . . . . . ''Every Little Helps''. Cause in the case of dildos, it couldn't be further than the truth. It would however be interesting to see the difference in a Tesco Value dildo and a Tesco Finest, I know what one I'd rather fork out on.

Now, Carlsbery could, Oh they could definitely sell dildos, and Nike could '' Just do it'', Loreal is another good slogan, because I know I'm definitely worth it, but my favourite is Mc Donalds.

Ba Da da dat da. . . . . . . . . . . . . . I'm lovin it!!!


Imagine going up to the drive through,
'can I take your order?'
'' Yes, Ill have a diet coke, a happy meal and a Mc Flurry stirred with a dildo please?''

Waste of time emails

Im sure your familur with the type of e-mail im talking about, the ones that generally start with ''copy and paste the following then fill out''. The stupid e-mails that ask you completly non-sensical questions like, 'If you were a sandwich what type of sandwich would you be?'' or ''Do you fold or scrunch your toilet paper when you wipe?''. Who the fuck folds their tolilet paper?

So to prevent me wasting anymore presious moments of my life on these e-mails, I devised a little plan to ensure that nobody EVER sends me one again. Just note that I sent this to eveyone in my address book, and hit 'reply all' also. Yes I am evil and going to Hell, but I will keep you a pint warm at the bar!


1. What is your occupation? Eternal student type person! Or trainee solicitor.
Sharon we all no you dont do any work, you just sit around all day scratching your gee, hoping that the burning sensation in your pants will go away.


2. What color are your socks right now? black.... but they are pump socks so u cant see them
They are stinking socks that you havent changed in ten days. . . . . . GO WASH


3. What are you listening to right now? Nothing... typing ....
YOU LIE!Your always listening to something, the paranoid voices in your head!!! And guess what they are right ''NOBODY LIKES YOU''


4. What was the last thing that you ate? A medium roll with chicken, lettuce, coleslaw and red onion
... and the dry chewing gum you picked from underneath your desk.

5. Can you drive a stick shift? I can, however my own car is an> automatic.. and Karina, believe me, its the only way!!!
When you lie baby Jesus cries

6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? red
Like a fucking PERIOD!! With your big stupid period head

7. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Some random person in work..
It was your ex, the one you keep stalking even though hes with a hottie now, and your just a sad pathetic LooooHoooooser

8. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Meh.. she's ok.... ;)
You told me you hated her, you told me that when shes around she drains your soul, so much so that you set up a club for people who also hate her


9. Favorite Vacation Spot ? America.. or Amsterdam!
Youve never go to either ever again, cause your parol officer wont let you


10. Favorite drink? Miller is my beer, vodka was my spirit but i feel> it adversley affects my sanity so im movin onto bacardi with pineapple fanta.
GIMP

11. What is your favorite sport to watch? Ice skating, gymnastics..> not into watching sport really.
You know how i know your gay?

12. Have you ever dyed your hair? Indeed i have
Hem hem and your pubes.

13. Favorite food? Indian is amazing, its just like sex in my mouth!!!
Sex in your mouth is called a blowjob!!! Im never eating an Indian again.

14. Last movie you watched? Sex and the City- went to the cinema last> night.. it was better than expected
You didnt see any of the movie you were to busy giving head in the back row.

15. What do you do to vent anger? Have a rant! Torment myself> mentally... take it out on someone.. ha ha.
You stab little kittens with knitting needles!!!


16. What was your favorite toy as a child? hmm. i had a kickin doll's> house with furniture etc.. It was ''MY FUCKING YELLOW BIKE'' which you stole and then dumped it in the river!!! Dont think that i dont know you did that. . . . . . . . . . revenge is best served cold!!!

17. What is your favorite season? Summer
Cause it makes your gee all sweaty.

18. Hugs or kisses? kisses
Soppy bitch.

19. Cherry or Blueberry? blueberry i suppose CHERRY?
youve forgotten what that is, been so long since you had yours.

20. Do you want your friends to email you back?why not!
Ha you have no friends.

21. Who is most likely to respond? No one
Your right there loohooooser.

22. Who is least likely to respond? hmm, dunno?
YOUR MA

23. When was the last time you cried? Over the weekend at some point.> Im a bit stressed at the minute...
Cause you picked a kids birthmark of their face!! Sick twisted bitch!

24. What is on the floor of your closet? wash basket, hangers, clothes
& month old used condoms.

25. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending> this to? Mala, she's been there since forever
Indeed I have, your like a fucking ball and chain, but just so you know, I only stuck around cause your Ma pays me to be nice to you.

26. Who is the friend you have known the shortest that you are sending> this to? Valerie, she's a newbie!!
Poor bitch RUN!! Get away now while you still can!!!

27. Favorite smells? nice aftershave on a man
You really love the smell of your own farts in the shower.

28. Who inspires you? My dad! Never met a more hard working,> inspirational man! He's just so clued in about everything!
HES NOT YOUR DA, MY DAS YOUR DA!!! Your Mother was a whore

29. What are you afraid of? nothing at this moment in time, i dont> have general fears...
Your afraid of me!!!

30. Favorite car I like? I like BMWs and Mercedes S class.. One day i> will own both!
You'll never own a bike! You are one.

31. Favorite cats or dogs? Dogs
Yes cause cats can sence EVIL, and they run away from you.

32. Number of keys on your key ring? 4,my home, mam and dad's, tony's, work
Yes and you use them all to have wanks in different places

33. How many years at your current job? 2 years and 9 months
Worked for 3 months and 2 weeks 4 hours and 13 minutes, the rest of the time she dossed on MSN.

34. Favorite day of the week? Saturday!!!!!
Cause thats when your Mexican pool boy calls round for a sevice

35. How many states have you lived in? hmm... technically 3, New York,> Connecticut and Seattle, Washington. Short stints but enjoyable!! And> America certainly hasn't seen the last of me!
HA you'll NEVER get past immigration again, considering the last time you got caught with bags of white powder up you gee. I know you were just bringing home sherbet dip for David but the Americans don't appreciate our love for a bit of sherbet

What would you like to be when you grow up?

As a bit of a sideline job, I entertain at kids parties, play a few games, attempt to juggle, make a few balloon animals and do a little bit of face painting. I have to say, I'm quite a dab hand with the brush and Ive created some beautiful snot encrusted masterpieces on the little gems. So the other day, there I was, brush in hand and at the ready, and this little girl sat down in front of me with her Mammy in toe

Me: Now, what would you like to be?

Little Girl: Id like to be a PUSSY!


I couldn't contain my laughter, and the Mother was not impressed with my uncontrollable giggles, I tried my best to save the now awkward situation.


Me: Soooooo, what color eeeehhhhh pussy would you like to be?

Little Girl: Eeeehhhhhhh??

Me: Would you like to be Black or White or maybe Orange? (bear in mind I'm a Redhead)

Little Girl: Id like to be a Ginger Pussy just like you. ( with a big smile on her face)



The tears were starting to roll down my face at this point, I tried my best to stop the shoulder shake, I could feel the Mother's death stare on me but I was powerless..........


Stupid woman anyway, teaching her little girl filthy words like that!
Its a God Dam Fucking CAT!!!!

Waxing

( I wish I could take credit for this, but unfortunately its not mine)

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... Considering Valentines was on the horizon, I thought that the auld Lady garden might need a trim. That dreadfull thought would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. I was ready for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my pants and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) . I inhale deeply and brace myself...RRRRIIIPPP!!!!



I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy muff sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. .. I am touching wax !! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to shit. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!* I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.


Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!



Thank Christ my mobile was at hand!!! Always bring a mobile to the loo.I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my ass and gee are glued together to the bottom of the bath!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and ... OH MY GAWD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works !!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair...THE HAIR IS STILL HERE.......ALL OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point. Next week I'm going to try hair color......

Ginger Joy's

I have been asked this question many time's, and it still amazes me why people would be interested in the answer. I think its a ginger thing?

Do your curtain's match your carpet?

My response is: What are you talking about, Ive only got a welcome mat!!